


My Bloody Valentine

by UnfortunatelyObsessed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actual case, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Case Fic, Curses, Destiel - Freeform, Drunk Castiel, First Kiss, Fluff, Humor, If You Squint - Freeform, Jealous Dean, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, Sabriel - Freeform, Sam Ships It, Sam tries to explain LGBTQA+, Sexual Tension, Shipper Sam, Slow Burn, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-04-06 20:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 17,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14064723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelyObsessed/pseuds/UnfortunatelyObsessed
Summary: Of all the ways Dean Winchester had imagined explaining his feelings to Cas, a deathbed confession involving a cursed knife wasn't one of them.ORThe One Where Two Boys Have Their Heads So Far Up Their Asses They Can't See How Perfect They Are





	1. Chapter 1

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

He was supposed to be making burgers in the Bunker, classic rock playing in the background as Cas stood beside him, watching and copying him. The TV would be off. The day would be sunny. Cas wouldn't be good at forming the patties, and Dean would stand behind him and help. Cas would look back and smile that tiny smile of his, and Dean would lean in and catch it for the first time. They'd both stop breathing for a moment before Cas would grin and Dean would copy him. They'd kiss again. Sam would walk in and smile but not say a word. Because Sam always knew, really.

That's how Dean always wanted it to go, at least.

Not like this.

Not in a dingy basement, half-starved, definitely dehydrated, and gripping that damned knife.

Alone.

Dean closed his eyes and pretended he could taste the sunlight in Cas's mouth for one more moment before taking the cursed knife and carving an invisible confession into his palm.

~~~

-Two Days Earlier-

"Hey, so get this." Sam sat first his laptop then himself at the small table in their motel room. He turned the laptop to face Dean, whose face was stuffed with crappy fast food burger.

"W wffe?"

Sam shot him his Bitch Face™ and clicked a few keys on the keyboard. "Yeah, Dean. A knife. It's some sort of cursed object that a lot of people are trying to bid over. The owner isn't too keen on selling, though."

Dean swallowed and took a big gulp of soda. "How is that our problem then?"

"Well..." Sam hit a key and a picture of a ragged man showed up. "This guy broke into his house last night. The knife was gone when he got there."

"So... cursed item on the loose?"

"Looks like."

"What's it do?" Dean took another big bite.

"It- God, can you quit eating for even a minute? It doesn't say. Like. Anywhere. It's just supposed to be very very bad."

"Well that's specific."

"Look. I wouldn't even bring it up if it weren't for the fact that this-" Sam pulled up a video, "-was on the security cameras."

Dean glanced at Sam before pressing play. A man on the screen walked in long strides, knife in hand. Another man backed away from him, only for the first man to swing the knife across the other's throat. Dean waited for man number two to fall, but he didn't. He didn't even bleed. He just stumbled and looked like he began screaming. The first man glanced at the camera, eyes shining, before striding away.

"That man is still alive. Not even a scratch." Sam turned his laptop back around.

"So what? A knife that doesn't kill people? Doesn't sound that dangerous to me, Sammy."

"That's what I thought, too. But then I learned that a stripper across town was found dead in an alley, throat slit."

"You think this knife harnesses a reaper, then?"

Sam met Dean's eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I do. Which makes it incredibly dangerous. And we need to find it before someone goes on a killing spree."

"You ID our thief?"

"Can't find a match. May be a shapeshifter. I figure our best bet is to go talk to the knife's previous owner: Mr. J. G. McKinley."

Dean finished off his drink before balling up the burger paper and tossing it into the wastebasket. "Then let's go."

They soon found themselves ringing Mr. McKinley's doorbell. Dean glanced around, taking in the lack of police cars and caution tape.

"Did he not report anything stolen?" Dean whispered to Sam, who shook his head.

"He reported some silverware was gone. Nothing important."

"Silverware as in the knife."

"Obviously."

The heavy wood door opened with a groan, revealing a middle-aged man with slightly greying hair. "Who are you?"

Sam and Dean both held out their badges. "I'm Agent Grohl and this is Agent Cobain. We're here about a theft that occurred here."

The man stepped back from the door, giving them room to enter but not saying a word. The brothers entered the house, crossing over the rug in the doorway.

Dean loosened his tie, sweat immediately beading on his forehead. "Man, you keep it humid in here, don't you?"

The man eyed the two suspiciously, before spitting out, "Christo."

Dean raised an eyebrow and Sam rolled his eyes. "We ain't demons."

McKinley sighed and closed the door behind them. "Yeah, you didn't get stuck in the trap under the rug either. You're hunters, right?"

The brothers exchanged a look.

"How did you know?" Sam asked.

McKinley snorted. "Grohl and Cobain? And the FBI showing up for a silverware theft? Ridiculous."

"So the humidity is-"

"Holy water. Gotta be careful."

Dean frowned a little. "Yeah well, you weren't careful enough. Mind telling us what happened?"

McKinley sighed before gesturing for them to sit on the couch as he took a chair. "I've kept that damned knife safe for years, and secret, too. I don't know who finally tracked me down, but they put out word in the whole monster community and it ain't been easy ever since. The missus even packed up for a few days to stay safe. Then last night that damn shapeshifter got in and stole it pretending to be some shady lowlife."

Sam nodded understandingly as Dean narrowed his eyes. "Why protect it?" Dean asked. "What exactly does it do?"

McKinley fidgeted. "It... transfers wounds. You don't kill who you try to. It picks randomly."

"Who would even want something like that?"

"Evil sons of bitches who enjoy creating chaos."

Sam cleared his throat. "Do you have any leads on this shapeshifter?"

"Nope. I'm not a hunter. Just unlucky, mostly."

Sam opened his mouth to ask another question, but Dean abruptly stood up, cutting him off. "Well thank you for your time. We'll let you know if we find it."

McKinley nodded at him and let the two out of the house.

Once the door closed behind them, Sam pushed Dean. "Dude, what the hell?! We didn't get to ask like, half the questions we needed to!"

"He was lying." Dean unlocked Baby and slid in. "He started lying after I asked him what it did. This thing, knife, whatever, it goes deeper than what he's letting on."

Sam sighed and closed the passenger door behind him. "Then what do we do?"

"I'm thinking we ask our resident angel to do a bit of research for us."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean sat on his bed and watched staticky shows on the TV, his mind wandering. He was definitely not a little nervous about Cas coming over. Not at all. He definitely didn't brush his teeth, clean the room, or even put on cologne.

He sighed and leaned back on his perfectly made bed, inhaling his new scent a little worriedly.

Yeah, he definitely did all those things.

Dean glanced uninterestedly at the door to the bathroom where Sam was currently showering. When did Dean become some high schooler trying to impress a girl?

It just... hit him one day. Like one day it hits you that you're tan, or that you're getting old. Something that happens so slowly you don't even realize it happened until it's already there.

That's how Dean fell in love with Cas.

It was so slow Dean didn't notice until he was watching some old Western with Cas, and someone said a joke on the TV. Cas chuckled quietly to himself and leaned back, knee bumping against Dean's, hand reaching for more popcorn. Their fingers brushed and Cas looked over to apologize, blue eyes shining and a small smile still on his lips.

Dean wanted nothing more than to twitch his fingers just enough to touch Cas's hand again.

Mentally, he isolated that feeling as he stared into the blue depths, because what in the world could cause that reaction? So suddenly? So unexpectedly?

Cas licked his lips absently, maintaining eye contact because that was just Cas.

And suddenly Dean knew the shape of his face. He knew the curve of his jaw, every stubble, every line etched in his skin. He could tell you his eyelashes without counting, could trace his ear on paper in a perfect rendering. He knew the eyes. He knew the voice, shushing his name as a question.

"Dean?"

Those lips still curved a little, parted, and those eyes still shone with a star's light.

Dean now knew what it was to worship.

He parted his own lips to say 'I love you. God, Cas, I love you. Let me protect you, even as you sleep. Dream of me so I can. Every night. Let me hold you. Let me whisper my fears to you, and you to me, and let's never face the world alone again. Let me love you. God, Cas, let me love you.'

What escaped his mouth was, "S'okay."

Dean wasn't raised to let words like that slip past his lips.

Cas, oblivious, nodded slightly and turned his attention back to the TV, bringing popcorn to the mouth Dean recently learned he had memorized over and over again. He tried to watch the movie, but his fingers tingled where they had touched Cas's, and he realized just how absolutely fucked he was.

Sam opened the bathroom door and jerked Dean out of his memories.

"Cas call back yet?" Sam asked.

Dean shook his head, still laying back staring at the ceiling. "It's his bee time. He'll be here afterwards I'm sure."

"Bee time?" Sam pulled on pants and a shirt before rummaging through the fridge.

"Yeah. He goes and like, talks to his bees. Says it makes them produce better honey and more willing to give it up or something."

"Should I ask how you know that?"

Dean shrugged. "I listen."

Dean's ringtone blared, and Dean tried not to answer it as quickly as he wanted to. "Heya Cas."

"Hello, Dean. You called?"

"Yeah, we need your help on a case. We're at the Arlington Motel in San Anne. Room 204."

A fluttering noise filled the air as Castiel materialized in the room. "I am here," he told Dean before hanging up his phone.

Dean sat up on his bed and smiled at Cas. "Yup. We need ya to identify something for us."

"What is it?"

Sam pulled him over to his laptop to show him, and Dean meandered over just in time to hear Castiel suck in a breath.

"Please tell me this is not missing."

Sam and Dean exchanged a worried glance. "Not per se," began Sam. "It was stolen."

"By who?"

"Some shapeshifter."

Cas slammed his fist on the table. "We have to find it. Now."

"What is it, exactly?"

"That is the knife of Aphrodite. It does not wound who it's used against, but rather the person they are in love with. It's the cruelest weapon ever created."

Dean cheered a little. "Ha! Told you he was lying!"

Sam closed his laptop. "So McKinley was in love with a stripper. His wife actually left him."

Castiel turned towards Dean. "We need to get this back. Immediately. In the wrong hands, it could devastate many people."

"Alright. Problem. We don't actually have any leads."

Cas stepped forward into Dean's personal space, nose to nose. "Then search the sewers."

Dean had the sneaking suspicion that, normally, he would push anyone doing this away. But his heart was hammering and he couldn't swallow, so he settled for an, "Okay."

Cas visibly relaxed at Dean's agreement and took a slight step back. "Thank you. I will search as well. I'll call you if I find anything. Do the same?"

"Of course."

Cas nodded at them both and disappeared.

"So..." Sam started, "when are y'all gonna finally deal with this sexual tension?"

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam's teasing smirk. "Shut up and get ready. You're going down first."

The smirk disappeared. "Aw what? That's not fair..."


	3. Chapter 3

Sam watched Cas dive into Dean's personal space as if he was angry.

As if.

Sam had seen Cas angry. He had seen the walls quake and the lights shatter. He was SCARY when he was angry.

This wasn't anger.

This was just libido.

It was exhausting, watching Dean and Cas dance around each other so much, daring to get close only to jump back away.

As if the blush on Dean's face and the slight stammer wasn't obvious.

Sam doubted Dean even knew he did it. Cas probably thought it was normal. The angel stayed in Dean's bubble for just a moment too long.

Sam resisted the urge to just push their damn faces together.

After Cas left, Sam made that remark about their tension and Dean had waved it off. Sam started noticing that a long time ago, that Dean never denied his accusations. ("CasDean?" "Shut up.") It was so obvious to everyone but those two idiots.

Sam pondered all of these things as he and Dean explored the sewers. The smell was awful, but even worse was the fact that the two had gotten used to it hours ago. They weren't having much luck tracking down the shapeshifter.

"Hey Dean?" Sam asked, deciding to hell with it.

"Mm?"

"You know I don't care if you're straight or not, right?"

If this moment wasn't so serious, Sam would've died laughing at Dean stumbling and almost dropping his flashlight. "Dude, what the hell?!"

"Just saying. It doesn't matter to me."

Dean looked at Sam incredulously, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Thanks, Sammy. In that case, I'll go ahead and fuck this shapeshifter when we find it. Maybe it can shift into Dr. Sexy." Dean smacked Sam with his flashlight. "What the hell are you even thinking?"

Sam held his hands up in surrender. "I'm just making sure you know."

Dean rolled his eyes and began walking again. "This is about Cas, ain't it?"

"Maybe."

"Wow, Sam, you caught me. I am 100% gay for Cas. All those years of boobs were just a cover up because I'm really fucking gay. I cum all the colors of the goddamn rainbow."

"Just three," Sam mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." Sam shone his flashlight around the tunnel. "There are different kinds of... gay, you know."

"I'm a level four gay. I have to kick Neil Patrick Harris's ass to become level five."

"I meant like pansexual. Asexual." Sam steeled himself. "...Bisexual."

"Isn't bisexual where you have like... both?"

"Yeah. You could totally just be bi."

Dean stopped walking and Sam ran into him. "Dude," Dean said, face extremely concerned, "I don't have a vagina."

Before Sam could clarify, they heard a loud thudding sound come from around the next turn. They both had their guns out in an instant, walking without noise in perfect formation. Dean counted down with his fingers and they both jumped around the corner, guns levelled.

Before them was a dead body.

Dean groaned and lowered his gun. "Is that our guy?"

Sam holstered his weapon and walked cautiously over to the corpse. "Ugh. Yep." He toed the noose still tied around its neck and looked up to see the other half still hanging from a pipe. "I think the rats chewed through it. It's kinda soaked with blood."

"Gross. Is the knife on him?"

"Check yourself, jerk."

"Bitch." Dean lumbered over and rifled through all its pockets. "Nope. I don't think this was a suicide."

"I think you're right." Sam pointed to claw marks all along the wall. "Too much of a struggle."

"Werewolf?"

"Maybe. The phase is right. So it came in, fought the shifter, got the knife, and... hung him."

Dean cursed under his breath. "No. Damn it. It used the knife on him."

Sam groaned. "So he killed himself because whoever HE'S in love with is-"

"-dead, exactly. Fuck, that's cold even for a monster."

"Well, we got a new lead. That means we can leave this sewer."

Dean straightened up. "Good. It's getting cold down here."

"Really cold, actually."

The two looked at each other, then at their breaths.

"Shit."


	4. Chapter 4

Cas had his nose buried in a book when the Winchester brothers returned. He glanced up before putting the book down and raising one eyebrow.

"You two look... filthy."

Sam ran a hand over his grime-covered face, mumbled something about ghosts, and went off to take a shower. Dean plopped into the chair across from Cas.

"It was some ghost."

Cas closed his book. "So not your regular 'salt and burn'?"

"There weren't no burning involved. Sam had some spell chant thing that banished it."

"Could you not find the body?"

Dean shook his head. "There were some strange symbols on its arms and the best we can figure is that the shapeshifter had it summoned for protection. Or maybe the werewolf. I dunno."

"Werewolf?"

"Yeah, see when Sammy and I entered the sewers..." Dean rambled on and on about their sewer adventure, and sure Cas was listening, but he was paying more attention to the microcosm of perfection that was Dean's face.

He had tried to quit doing this. He really had. He'd kept his head down and buried his nose in books, avoided the color green and listed all the bad things Dean had done.

None of that had worked.

Castiel had fallen from grace once, and was amazed to learn that falling for Dean felt similar, but, in a way, more painful. To look into his eyes and know that they will never be closed close to his, or to see his hands stained with oil and know they'll never be entertwined with his own... Hurt. In ways Castiel never quite had the words for. Things just kept hurting until, one day after Cas had sworn he had finally seen a glimmer of love in Dean's eyes, Cas just broke down.

That was the first time he had taken an actual shower in a long time. He had never needed to before, just mojoing himself clean, but this was different. He could close his puffy eyes and pretend the warmth was someone - anyone - holding him.

After that, Castiel was jaded to Dean. The perfection was still there, lingering at the edge of his consciousness, but it was different now. Castiel loved Dean, but now... Now he loved Dean the same way people look to the stars on cloudy nights. He looked, knowing what should be there - could've been there - and knowing full well it wasn't.

"- and after Sam banished the ghost, we found our way back here. Did you find anything?"

Castiel sighed and opened the book again. "Only things I already knew. It's a very... obscure artifact. Very deadly. Very cruel."

Dean made as if to get up, but Cas materialized a beer in front of him without looking up. Dean blinked at it. "Er, thanks buddy."

Dean missed Cas's wince.

"No problem."

He took a long swig. "Why would something like this even exist? Why would she make this? I mean, it's just a whole new level of evil."

"Aphrodite was... Her lovers were often unfaithful. She eventually grew tired of it and made this knife as a test. If she cut someone and it appeared on her body, they truly loved her. If not, she plunged it into their chest and killed whoever they loved more than her."

"Psycho bitch. You think she's gotten wind of this?"

"Doubtful. I believe whoever stole it from her used it on her as well. She wouldn't want it back."

"Harsh."

"I don't think there is a 'good guy' in this case, Dean. Bad things are going to happen to bad people. You have to be prepared for that."

"I know that! I'm not saying they don't deserve what's coming, I'm just saying..." Dean trailed off, suddenly unsure.

"You don't think they deserve this specific thing that is coming."

"Yeah. It's... It's hell having someone you love die because of you." Dean glanced into Cas's eyes for a moment before clearing his throat. "So, werewolf, probably. That's what we're looking for now."

"Perhaps we should converse with the locals?"

"Castiel, are you suggesting we go to a bar?"

"It seems the most logical place, yes."

Dean slowly grinned, and Cas couldn't look away. It was like watching a flower bloom. "Well I'll be damned." Sam walked into the room, as if on cue. "Sammy! We're going to a bar!"

Sam pulled a Bitch Face™ and plopped down on his bed. "Uh, no thanks. Not in the mood to watch one of your conquests."

"Actually Cas suggested it!"

Sam looked at Cas in surprise. "You don't even drink, man."

Cas shook his head. "We need to talk to the locals to see if we can find out anything about this werewolf."

"Makes sense."

Dean threw his empty beer bottle at the trash can, scoring a perfect basket. "Yep! So c'mon! Let's go!" Dean grabbed his keys and walked towards the door.

"Uh, Dean?" Sam asked.

"Hm?"

"You're still covered in sewer."

Dean looked down at the grime still clinging to his clothes. "Son of a bitch."


	5. Chapter 5

The way this man moved around Cas wasn't fair.

Everything had started out okay. They got to the bar, Dean began flirting up some girls, and Sam got right to business. Cas wasn't sure what to do with himself, but he noticed the dance floor had some people on it, so he decided to interview them.

He danced from person to person, oblivious to the way Dean's eyes kept straying from the perfect dime in front of him directly to Cas.

Who knew the man could dance?

After the girl had finally had enough of being ignored, she flounced off, leaving Dean with an unobstructed view of Castiel, coats off, sleeves pushed up, moving to the beat.

His hands were in the air as he talked to the woman in front of him. He was blending in very well. Dean had to give him that.

Just as Cas was oblivious to Dean watching him, Dean was oblivious to Sam rolling his eyes at the both of them. Sam watched Dean set his glass down resolutely and strut over to the music machine. He placed a mental bet on Nirvana.

Big band swing poured out of the speakers.

Sam laughed to himself before turning his attention back to the man he was questioning. Cas loved big band swing.

Dean took a big breath. He was gonna do it. He was gonna ask Castiel to dance, even though he himself danced more like a chicken with its head cut off. He turned around to see a man bowing before Cas like he was from the fucking Renaissance, before taking his hand and dancing just as well as Cas had.

The two moved in perfect harmony, and Dean felt like he was going to be sick.

'It's okay,' he told himself. 'I can steal a dance. People do that all the time. He's just some punk. A punk with moves.' Dean took two more steps towards the dance floor before he saw it.

The man leaned in and whispered something to Cas, and Cas laughed. Actually laughed. They danced closer.

Dean's ass hit stool and he ordered a shot of whiskey.

The burn of the liquor was a good burn. Not like the burning in his heart, or behind his eyes. Those were the bad burns.

Castiel, for his part, had long ago learned to tune out the emotions of Dean Winchester, and it didn't even register just how loudly his soul was yelling for him. All that he could sense was this man in front of him that made him feel... worth something. For the first time in a long time. And when what felt like hours had passed and they were both dizzy and laughing, the man put an arm around Cas's waist, and Cas let him.

Dean watched the man whisper in Cas's ear. He didn't read lips, but he didn't need to. He had done that same thing plenty of times. He knew what the man was asking. His skin ran cold when he saw the small smile on Cas's lips and the whispered, "Yes."


	6. Chapter 6

Sam examined the man before him. He was a bit scruffy, about fifty-five, and had the general air of a sea captain.

"So," Sam began, straightening his suit, "have there been any new people in town lately? Or maybe locals that have suddenly started acting strange?"

"What did ya say this is for, again?"

"Jamie Addam's case."

"Oh, the prostitute."

"If that's how you want to phrase it. So, any people like that?"

"This is a small town. There's always people like that." The man took a big gulp from his beer mug. "But if ya mean recently, Lawrence Keller's been actin real strange lately. I work with 'im. He's been goin on and on about some heirloom or 'nother he's 'sposed to be inheritin'."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "This heirloom wouldn't have happened to be a knife, would it?"

"How'd ya know?"

Sam opened his mouth to ask more questions when he saw Dean.

Or, rather, he saw Dean's back since his head was resting against the counter of the bar.

"Um, could... Could you please write down his name and address for me?"

The man grunted in response and scribbled them on a napkin, which Sam pocketed. "Thank you." He got up and walked over to Dean. "Um, Dean? You okay?"

"Cas is gone," Dean mumbled against the wood.

"Gone where?"

"With some guy."

"Oh? Oh..." So that's what this was. "Well then, quit moping and go get him."

Dean was quiet for a while and Sam counted his empty shot glasses. Nine. Damn.

"He deserves better than me," Dean whispered quietly, so soft that Sam could pretend he didn't hear.

"Let's get home. We can call Cas and have him meet us there if you want."

"I just wanna crawl into a hole."

Sam groaned. "Please don't drink so much ever again. You get so dramatic when you do. Come on." Sam grabbed onto Dean's arm and hauled him up, supporting most of his weight.

"What if they fall in love?"

Sam helped Dean stagger outside. "Then we will be happy for them."

"What... What if he uses Cas? Cas doesn't know how it works yet..."

"What? One night stands? He's an angel of the Lord, for Christ's sake. I think he knows."

"But he won't know what it means..."

"What what means? Sex? Cas knows what that means."

"No... The guy. He won't know what Cas means."

Sam didn't know what to say, so he buckled Dean into the passenger seat and drove.

Dean was quiet the whole ride home.


	7. Chapter 7

It turned out they didn't need to call Cas.

Cas was already at the motel room.

Sam helped Dean stagger to his bed before addressing the angel in the room.

"Hey Cas. Thought you had a date?"

Castiel's shoulders rose in defense and he turned the TV on instead of answering.

"Aaaaeweeeee," Dean slurred from across the room. "Did the big bad dancer boy stand you up?"

Castiel sighed. "He claimed he was going to get his vehicle and he never returned."

"Oh, dang Cas, that's-"

"Knew it."

Sam winced for Dean's sake as he saw the fire in Cas's eyes. "Excuse me, Dean?"

"Guys like him... They alwa-always stand people up... They just wanna use you and throw you away..." Dean had a drunken grin on his face and was staring at the ceiling so intently he didn't notice Castiel stand up and tower over him.

"Well, it's good to know that I'm not good for anything other than a one night stand. Thank you for making your opinion clear." And Cas was gone from the room.

Sam sighed, and Dean didn't even notice.

"Dean, you're one of those guys. Just so you know."

Dean hiccuped. "Wanna know a seeecreeeetttt?"

Sam groaned and plopped down on his own bed. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Dean made a big show of turning over onto his side to face Sam, who simply raised one eyebrow.

"I haven't slept with anyone in *hic* six years."

Sam laughed. Loudly. "Oh man, that's a good one. Go to bed before you hurt yourself."

Dean lost a little more motor control and fell from his side to his stomach, muffling his voice. "I've tried... Never could. It doesn't feel- feel right anymore."

The smile slid off Sam's face. "What? Really?"

"Yeah. Hey Sammy, I think..." Dean yawned. "I think I'm..."

Sam rolled his eyes as his brother began snoring. 

He took out his phone and sent a quick apology text to Cas, explaining that Dean was beyond drunk and some shit about a girl turning him down. Better than the truth, Sam supposed.

Well, actually, no not at all, but Sam wouldn't be the one to tell him.

He researched late into the night over Mr. Lawrence and, after deeming him a likely werewolf candidate, finally closed his eyes and got some sleep.

Cas lay awake for hours.

Not that he needed sleep, but nights like tonight he usually tried anyways, and it wasn't working. Because Dean's words just kept swimming around in his head.

Was that all he was good for? A one night stand?

Castiel knew Dean was trying to make him feel better in some weird way, but it only succeeded in making everything worse. Because the man had left him.

So, no. A one night stand wasn't all Cas was good for.

Because he wasn't even good for that.

Dean's eyelids fluttered and his head turned side to side. He was drenched in sweat. He watched Cas and the man dance away into the night, watched the man take Castiel back to his place, watched them get undressed, watched Cas's mouth on another man. Just as things started to get serious, Castiel met Dean's eyes.

"You missed your chance, Dean."

"N-no, please?"

Castiel grinned, cheeks flushed. "All this time. You had all this time to say something. But I know now. You're so weak. Pathetic. Why would I ever even consider going out with you? You're just a fuck boy, Dean Winchester. A boy toy. And me? I've finally got me a man." Cas threw his head back and Dean's world dissolved into darkness.

Sam had had this dream before.

He was standing on a cliff, watching the tide roll in. Someone was standing beside him, holding his hand. Sometimes it was Jess, sometimes Gabriel. More often than not it was a weird mixture of the two, but in his dream state, he recognized the person simply as The One.

The two rarely talked. Just held hands and watched the ocean, feeling the wind blow gently against them. After a while they'd sit, and Sam would hold The One. In thanks he'd get peppered with kisses.

These were his favorite dreams.

The One smiled at him, placing one hand on his cheek, and leaned in. Their kiss was soft and slow, and Sam practically melted. It was nice, to feel loved like this. To feel needed and warm.

To Sam, the alarm was a nuisance.

To Dean, a blessing.

To Cas, just the start of another day.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean awoke to a throbbing headache and no memory of the last night past a fuzzy image of Cas dancing away with some ghost.

"Morning," Sam called cheerily from the makeshift kitchen. "Coffee's on."

Dean groaned.

"And there's a glass of water and Tylenol on your bedside table."

"You spoil me," Dean muttered before taking the proffered drugs and trudging over for coffee. "What happened last night?"

"Well, what do you remember?"

Dean paused mid-sip. "Cas dancing with some hot piece of ass."

Sam smirked a little. "Yeah well, Cas left with said piece of ass, you moped and got drunk, Cas got stood up, and you told him he was only going to be used which Cas interpreted as he was only good for being used. In summary, you fucked up."

Dean dropped his head onto the cold countertop. "Holy fuck how did I mess up that bad."

"Nine shots of whiskey."

Dean turned his head to glare at Sam. "Dude why didn't you spot me?! Nine?! Holy hell, was I jealous? How hot WAS she?"

"Well..." Sam was saved from answering by the sound of feathery fluttering wings. "Cas! Good to see you here."

Cas nodded to Sam, met Dean's eyes, and looked away. "There was a murder in town that seems like it may be our werewolf."

Dean forced himself up and stumbled over to Cas. "Hey, Cas, I-"

Cas sighed and touched a finger to Dean's forehead. Dean blinked before breathing a sigh of relief. "Holy fuck that's so much better. I don't remember last night but Sam says I fucked up pretty bad so I'm sorry. I guess I must've been hella jealous about you dancing with that broad."

Cas's face took on a tinge of pink. "Jealous of...me?"

Dean struggled to think. "I feel like a little of both. I didn't know you could dance, man, but also that was a nice piece of ass you had with you."

Dean heard Sam make a choking sound as Castiel's eyebrows shot up. Suddenly, Sam was howling with laughter. Cas looked to him for help, cheeks turning beet red.

"Oh, oh man Cas," Sam started, wiping a tear from his eye, "he doesn't know."

Dean turned to look at Sam. "I don't know what?"

Castiel cleared his throat, forcing Dean to return his gaze to him. "I um, the 'piece of ass' was a man." Castiel watched the mortified expression glaze Dean's face detachedly. "Dean, are you-"

"Very sorry, yep, I am. Hey tell me about this werewolf like right now," Dean sputtered out quickly, striding over to his coffee mug and bringing it to his face in one fluid motion.

Castiel found it hard to focus when Dean was watching him from over his mug, eyelashes batting obviously, blush tinging his cheeks. "Well, there was a murder last night. The police have determined it to be a wild animal attack, but I'm not so sure."

Sam poured a third cup of coffee, mixing in milk, sugar, and vanilla before handing it to Cas. "You think it's our werewolf?"

"Quite possibly." Cas took a sip of his coffee and smiled a little. Dean liked to tease him about his girly choices, but he really did prefer it this way.

Dean, for his part, thought it was precious that Sam knew how to make it perfect.

"So, shall we inspect the body?" Sam asked.

"After coffee," Dean decided, watching how Cas's eyes had gone worriedly to his still unfinished drink.

Cas finally met his eyes and smiled a little at him, and Dean hid his blush in his mug.

"Hey Dean, maybe you can find another hot piece of ass on the way. I bet that guy handing out Save The Bees flyers is still in town," Sam said, leaning on the counter and grinning.

Dean froze with his eyes still trained on Cas. Cas for his part looked to Sam.

"Bees are important, Sam."


	9. Chapter 9

Say you love him.

Say you love him.

Oh for fuck's sake...

Sam watched as Dean adjusted Cas's tie, standing just a bit too close. As Dean focused on the tie, Cas stared unashamedly at Dean's face.

Sam wasn't sure whether he should smile and take a picture or throw up.

He was saved from having to decide by Dean giving the tie one final tug, looking up at Cas, getting flustered, and stepping back.

It was honestly ridiculous.

The entire ride to the morgue was much the same. Sam rode in the back to give the two their private space, and the both of them admired the other while the other wasn't looking.

Sam rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. "Hey Dean, maybe you should focus on the road instead of trying to memorize Cas's face."

Dean furrowed his brow and glanced at Sam in his rearview mirror. "I already-... Fine."

Sam smirked but didn't comment.

They arrived at the morgue and flashed their IDs, swiftly getting ushered through. They were led to where the body was being held, with one other person in the room. Cas stopped dead in his tracks.

"Kyle?" he said in shock.

The man whipped around, saw Cas, and broke out in a huge grin. "Cas! I was hoping I'd run into you!" Kyle leaned in and gave Cas a hug. "There was a murder and I had to leave and I didn't have your phone number or anything!"

"You're-"

"I'm an FBI agent. But hey, it looks like you are too? Are these your partners?"

Kyle shook Sam's hand, went to hold his hand out to Dean, and stopped cold. Green eyes glared at him with a look to smite an angel. "Woah man, you okay? Looking kinda tense there."

"Fine." Dean gritted out through his teeth.

"Ohhhkie dokie. Well, anyways, Cas! How are you?"

Kyle and Cas chatted amicably, Castiel obviously lowering his guard and smiling, and Dean seeing red. Dean couldn't actually place the dude's ethnicity. He just looked foreign, the kind of foreign that makes some part of you want to fall down and worship this obvious god. Egyptian, maybe. Dean didn't know and didn't care. He had never hated a man so intensely as he did right then.

He vaguely registered Kyle asking him a question, but pushed past him without a word and began to inspect the corpse. Sam apologized on his behalf and walked over to Dean, gripping his bicep tightly and whispering, "Behave."

Dean ignored him.

Castiel, for his part, kept Kyle distracted long enough that Sam and Dean could determine the true cause of death. Dean refused to look back, but Sam saw Cas gently touch Kyle's arm, and the small smile on Kyle's face. He was looking at Castiel like he was the world, or rather, like Dean looks at Castiel.

This wasn't good.

Dean straightened himself abruptly, turning on his heel. "We're done here. C'mon, Cas." He marched by them, grabbing Castiel's hand without realizing it and pulling him along.

Dean missed Kyle slip Cas his number.

Sam struggled to keep up as Dean marched back to the Impala, fingers looped through Castiel's.

Cas could hear his own heartbeat.

Dean wrenched open the door to the Impala and sat inside, completely forgetting that he was attached to the angel. Cas was pulled down with him, directly into his lap.

Dean finally seemed to get a grip on reality again.

They stared at each other, both with heat rising to their faces as Sam tried to be literally anywhere else. Hands intertwined, faces close enough to feel the other's breath, eyes searching, pleading that maybe, finally, this could be the moment?

"Hey Cas!" a voice yelled from across the parking lot.

Cas cleared his throat and removed himself from Dean's lap in time to see Kyle rounding the corner.

"Hey!" Kyle had a massive grin on his face, despite obviously sprinting to them. "I realize that you and your friends probably think I stood you up so I'd like to invite you all back to the bar with me tonight. My treat. I can't live with myself if I don't fix this."

Cas glanced back at Dean, who was looking to the side as if to hide his red face.

"Um, I think that will be fine. I'll call and let you know for sure later tonight."

"Perfect! I hope I see you all! Bye Cas! Bye Sam, Dean!"

Sam and Dean both waved at him, but only Dean smiled and said, when he was out of earshot, "Haha I hope you go to Hell!"

Castiel slid into the passenger's seat awkwardly as Sam slid into the back. There was a tense silence and Sam cleared his throat.

"So um, to Lawrence Keller's house?"

Dean said nothing, merely revved the engine and took off.

Sam pretended not to notice how Castiel kept glancing at Dean's hands.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut chapter is long chapter

Castiel gazed deep into the forest of green before his eyes, felt warm breath against his lips. Fingers tensed around his own, and as entirely as he wanted to glance down at those sinful lips, he couldn't tear his eyes away.

Please.

Please.

Maybe he imagined it, the way Dean's eyes closed minutely, the way he leaned in just a fraction, tongue darting out to wet his lips. He must've imagined it, but, no matter. He leaned in, too. Just a fraction. A hair. Just enough to say, 'If this is real, I want it.'

When Kyle startled him away, he wanted to be mad at the human. But Kyle wanted to make up for what he did. For how he made Castiel feel.

And that's more than Cas could say for Dean.

As they rode in the car to Lawrence's house, Sam confirmed that, yes, the corpse was mauled by a werewolf. Cas fleetingly thought that maybe Kyle shouldn't get mixed up in all of this.

Not only was Lawrence not home, he had died half a year ago.

Sam cursed at the realization that the burly man he had interviewed was more than likely the culprit. And maybe Lawrence was a werewolf before he died, which provided enough evidence to throw them off the scent. Either way, the bar wasn't open yet, and they had no more leads, so they went back to their hotel.

Dean proclaimed he was taking a long shower, Sam a nap, and Castiel's eyes landed on their stash of alcohol. Because maybe, since it seemed to help other people forget their problems, it would help him, too.

He may should've reevaluated his tolerance levels.

He had been able to drink almost an entire liquor store before feeling the effects before, so he wasted no time in drinking an entire bottle of vodka. It didn't occur to him that he wasn't near as powerful now as he was then until he was beyond dizzy and couldn't quite think straight.

Being unable to think straight leads to bad ideas, and bad ideas lead to bad actions, which is how Castiel wound up silently entering the bathroom where Dean was humming to himself as he showered, oblivious. Coats off, first. Then shirt. Pants. Wait no, no. Shoes. Socks. Then pants. What's on his chest? Oh, oh, tie. Tie off. Underwear? Yes? No? He took a long time to decide. Yes. Off.

He entered silently through the back of the shower, behind Dean. He scooted closer before planting a sloppy kiss on the back of Dean's neck.

He was greeted with a scream and smacked with a bar of soap.

"Castiel?! What-... What..." Dean's face grew bright red as he tried and failed to keep his eyes off of a fully naked angel. "What are you doing?"

Cas staggered forward, pressing Dean back against the shower. Dean gulped.

"I w- I want to be your- your one night stand."

"Are you drunk?"

"A little..."

"Cas... No."

Castiel growled and latched his mouth on Dean's neck, smirking as Dean gasped. Fuck it, he rebuilt this human, he knew every weak spot and he was going to exploit him.

"Castiel... I'm not going to do this to you..." Dean squirmed for a moment before realizing that made the whole ordeal worse. "You're not thinking straight."

Cas pulled back and stared into Dean's eyes. "I think that's kind of the point, Dean."

"What? Not thinking?"

"Not being straight."

Dean laughed despite himself. "Alright, tiger. Let's get you to bed for a bit. Clear yourself up."

Castiel gazed into Dean's eyes. "I'm really not good for anything, am I? Not even a mindless fuck."

Dean's face paled. "Cas, buddy, don't talk like that. You're so great. I just... I can't use you. You're my best friend."

Castiel's eyes fell to the floor. "I'm just... I'm so stupid." He winced and wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly realizing just how naked he was as the alcohol started to wear off.

"Cas..."

Castiel shook his head and made to leave, when he suddenly felt a hand around his wrist. He glanced back in confusion, only to be pulled very gently back to Dean.

"I won't use you. But I can't leave you thinking that you're nothing." Dean leaned in slowly, so slowly that Cas had time to rememorize every freckle on his face before he closed his eyes and lips finally met lips.

The kiss was sloppy, since Cas still didn't have full control of his motor functions, and the haze of the alcohol made him reckless, lazily rolling his hips against Dean's as he licked at his lips.

Dean pulled back just enough to whisper, "Easy there, tiger. I'm just proving to you that, if I didn't care about you, I'd definitely be all aboard the Cas train."

Castiel kissed up to Dean's ear before giving it a gentle tug. He didn't have to hear the soft sound Dean made to know he liked it. This was his human. "That's a shame, Dean Winchester. Because you wouldn't be riding me. I'd be riding you." Castiel smirked as he felt Dean stiffen a little. All over. Then Cas frowned. "Wait, I think I said that backwards." He pulled back to look at Dean, who definitely didn't think that frown was adorable. "I meant I want to fuck you."

Dean groaned, leaning his head back against the shower wall. "Don't make this so damn hard on me, Cas."

Castiel glanced down and raised one eyebrow. "Um, too late?"

Dean couldn't help himself, he burst out laughing. "Holy hell, you're a smartass." He grinned at Castiel before pulling him in to capture those lips again. Because he knew better than to think this changed anything. Because Cas was drunk. Because Cas only wanted to fuck him.

And dammit if Dean didn't want something more.

Castiel whined at the innocent gesture, trying to grind against him again unsuccessfully, since Dean kept moving. "Be still!"

"Not in your lifetime." Dean licked playfully into Cas's mouth, taking his time exploring. Cas needed this.

The angel's hands came down to rest on Dean's hips in an attempt to still him. Dean gripped his hands and Cas turned the movement around until he had Dean's hands pinned over his head. He shifted both to one hand, allowing his other to explore Dean's body, lingering at every sensitive spot he knew until Dean was panting into his mouth.

"Cas, really. You're gonna regret this."

"Do you ever shut up?"

Dean linked a leg behind Cas's knees, easily toppling him and pinning him to the floor. "Nope." Dean gave Cas one last long, lingering kiss before scooping him up and carrying him out of the shower. Cas struggled in vain the whole way.

Dean dried them both off, deftly avoiding most of Cas's advances (he did get a hand in a very inappropriate spot while Dean was drying his hair) and helped him get dressed again. He said a silent prayer of thanks when Sam was still asleep in the next room before tossing Cas onto his bed. "Get some shut eye, tiger."

Castiel glared at him from the bed. "You keep calling me that. Come down here and tame me."

Dean laughed again, silently thinking that drunk Cas was the most adorable version of him. "You're more like a tiger cub. But if you keep your hands to yourself, I'll lay beside you."

Cas weighed the options. "Deal."

Dean slid into bed beside him, pulling him against his chest and trapping Cas's arms so he couldn't try any more funny business.

Castiel eventually relaxed, falling asleep.

And though the small smile never left Dean's face, an untold number of tears trailed down his cheeks as he held the angel that was Most Definitely Not His.


	11. Chapter 11

If what had just happened had happened when Dean was young and reckless, fuck yeah he would've taken Cas right there in the shower.

If it had happened within the first year or two after he met Cas, he still would've gladly given into his whims.

Yet here Dean was, regretting what he had to do but knowing he made the right decision.

Dean burned where Castiel melted into him.

Every time Dean closed his eyes, he saw Castiel's naked body sliding against his own, mouth seeking out every spot Dean didn't even know drew him to the brink. Every time he inhaled, he smelled his own soap mixing tantalizingly with the smell of Cas.

Cas smelled like... Blue. That's the best way Dean could describe it. Like sunshine and lightning and power and a hint of raspberry. At his most vulnerable, Dean described Cas's smell as home.

Cas smelled like home right now.

Dean buried his nose in Castiel's hair and squeezed his eyes shut. If he imagined hard enough, Castiel had just gotten home from helping people, curled into their bed, and snuggled up to Dean, falling asleep while whispering about his day.

This was why, Dean told himself. This is why he turned down the one person he wanted anymore.

Because to have Castiel in part would be a living hell.

Waking up after a night of pleasure to an empty bed would be hell.

Hearing Cas say, "Thanks for the fuck," would be hell.

Just.

Hell.

Castiel's brow furrowed in his sleep and he muttered unhappily, burrowing further into Dean. Dean sucked in a breath and ignored the pain in his chest. "Pssst, Cas, you're okay. It's just a nightmare," he whispered.

Cas didn't wake up, but he seemed to hear Dean at least a little.

Dean bit his lip in thought before deciding to hell with it. No one was awake. No one would ever know.

"Cas, it's okay. I'm here. I won't let anything get you." He ran a shaking hand through the black hair that tickled his chin. "You're so beautiful, you know that? I want to tell you all the time. You take my breath away." He risked a small kiss on the angel's forehead. "And if I have to live the rest of my life keeping this one secret so I can care for you and keep you safe, I will." Dean closed his eyes and tried to calm his racing heart. "The secret, Cas, is that I-... I love you." Dean waited a minute before glancing down to see a (thankfully) still sleeping Cas with a smile on his face, all traces of nightmares gone. Dean gave his head one last kiss before closing his eyes again. He should at least try and sleep. His breath evened out, and he slumbered with Cas tight in his arms.

Cas had a very strange dream where Dean was telling him he wasn't good for anything, and Kyle came up and told him he was beautiful, and that he took his breath away. Cas smiled at Kyle.

Sam pretended to still be asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Sam woke up about when Dean tossed Cas onto the bed. He distinctly remembered thinking, "Oh dear god no not now, I'm in the fucking room!"

He was real damn surprised to instead hear Dean lull Cas to sleep.

After overhearing something he definitely shouldn't have overheard, he waited for Dean to fall asleep before getting up and making coffee. Odds were they had a long night ahead of them and they needed all the caffeine they could get.

Sam decided to spend his time trying to do more research on Aphrodite's Knife. After two cups of coffee and countless websites, he decided that Cas was right after all. It was very obscure.

He finally heard a slight groan and turned to see Cas turning over and freezing.

"Dean," Sam heard the gravelly voice say.

Dean grumbled and pulled Cas closer to him, which Sam found adorable and Cas found confusing. "Dean."

"Hm?"

"Why are we cuddling."

Dean opened his eyes and sat bolt upright, bringing Cas up with him. "I-... I um... How much do you remember?"

"I... Don't. At all."

"You um," Dean paused, realizing he was still holding Cas. "Sorry," he mumbled, letting him go somewhat reluctantly. "You got drunk somehow and were likely to hurt either yourself or someone else so I held you for safety until you fell asleep and I guess I fell asleep, too."

Sam wondered if it was as obvious to Cas that Dean was lying through his teeth.

"Oh, um... Thank you."

Apparently not.

"Right," Sam interjected. "The bar will open soon so how about we go and try to find our culprit or at least accurate information?"

The two on the bed jumped, seemingly having forgotten that Sam was even there.

"Um, yes. Of course," Cas supplied, standing up and walking over to the coffee pot.

Sam met Dean's eyes and raised one eyebrow, to which Dean merely flipped him off. Sam rolled his eyes and they landed on Cas's socks and shoes.

On the bathroom floor.

Right beside his tie.

Oh, dear lord.

Sam quickly stood up and walked to the bathroom, scooping them out and placing them by Dean's bed before Cas had even turned around to say, "Where are my shoes?"

Dean blushed dark red and Sam had the answer to his unasked question. "Um, oh! Here they are! Guess you took them off. I was pretty out for the count." He gestured to where he had set them on the floor.

Castiel nodded his thanks and went to retrieve them, even as Sam mouthed to Dean, 'We need to talk.'

Dean had the decency to look ashamed.

A little while later, Castiel had gone down to check the supplies in Baby, leaving Sam and Dean alone.

"Alright. I only have one question. Did you take advantage of a drunk Cas?"

Dean glared at Sam. "What kind of person do you take me for?"

"So you didn't have shower sex?"

"Not for lack of his trying."

Sam raised one eyebrow. "Do we need to talk about it?"

"Please no."

Sam sighed. "Alright. Hey, Dean, you understand the problem with this case, right?"

"Problem?"

"If you really don't want things to change for whatever stupid reason, you need to stay far away from that knife."

"I don't know what you're-"

Sam held up a hand to stop Dean from blabbering anymore. "Save it. It's really damn obvious and I have no idea why you haven't told him but it's your business and not mine. Just making sure you knew."

Sam left the room before Dean could say anything else and walked to Cas, who was finishing the supplies check. "Alcohol sucks, right?" Sam chuckled.

Cas grimaced. "I'm not sure what I was thinking."

"Hey man, we've all been there. It's fine."

Cas nodded. "I suppose I should let Kyle know we're on our way."

Sam's smile suddenly looked a little more forced. "I mean, it's either tell him or he finds out when we get there."

Cas shrugged, already pulling out his phone. "He was nice enough to offer. I will let him know."

"When did you get that douchebag's number?" Dean called out from behind them.

They both spun around.

"He handed it to me at the morgue. I really don't know why you're so intent upon hating him."

Dean clenched his jaw. "You two go on without me."

Sam inwardly groaned. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"No. See ya." He went back to the room and slammed the door behind him.

Cas sighed. "Sometimes I think I get him, and then I'm just proven wrong."

"You and me both, Cas. C'mon, let's go."


	13. Chapter 13

Dean was being ridiculous.

He KNEW he was being ridiculous.

But he couldn't stop.

The thought of that man dancing away with his Castiel-

Dean sighed. Castiel was not his.

Even with the taste of honey and moonshine still lingering on his tongue, Castiel was not his.

He knew this day would come, eventually. The day where he would have to decide if loving Cas quietly was something he could do. Being happy even as his heart was torn into pieces. Watching Castiel go on with someone that wasn't him.

With a heavy heart, Dean made his decision. As long as he was free to love Cas in secret, but in full, he didn't care what Cas did as long as he was happy.

There was a certain peace in resignation.

Dean walked over to the mirror and smoothed out his clothes, hands halting on his collar as he saw the blossoming hickey on his neck.

That bastard.

He dug out some of the concealer he always carried for covering bruises on his face for interviews. It would work fine, he supposed. He didn't really want Cas to see, because he didn't really want it healed. He wanted this proof that Castiel had kissed him to last as long as it could.

Castiel had kissed him.

Was he really ready to make that the last kiss they ever had? Naked, both lying on the floor of the tub, Dean pinning Cas down as they smiled and laughed against each other's mouths?

Well, tough. He had to be ready.

One last glance in the mirror and Dean was headed out.

It didn't take much effort for him to hotwire a car and head towards the bar. He figured he'd meet them there, apologize for his behavior, and maybe buy Kyle a few rounds to prove everything was alright.

He pulled into a parking space and - well, speak of the devil.

Kyle was just getting out of his car, a '66 Ford Mustang. Dean couldn't help himself. He wolf-whistled.

Kyle spun around, saw Dean in the car, and grinned at him.

Dean got out and inspected the beauty. "Nice car, man."

"Thanks! It's a-"

"1966 Ford Mustang. I know."

Kyle smirked a little. "Car man, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm a pretty good mechanic." Dean jerked a thumb at the ragged old thing he got there in. "This is a rental. My main squeeze is a 1967 Chevy Impala."

Kyle clucked his tongue, impressed. "Yeah, I saw it earlier. I wouldn't mind checking it out sometime, if you wouldn't care. She's a real babe."

Dean smiled despite himself. "That she is. I call her Baby."

Kyle patted his Mustang. "I call mine Honey."

Dean cleared his throat. "Hey man, I wanted to apologize for how I acted earlier. That was dumb of me. I just... Cas was real hurt when he thought you stood him up and I-"

"I know. He's your best friend. Cas told me all about you. It's fine. No harm, no foul, right? Friends?" Kyle held out a hand to Dean.

Dean shook it firmly. "Friends."

"So, shall we get inside and see our beloved Castiel?"

Dean laughed. "Nothing would make me happier."

That was the last thing either remembered before they blacked out.


	14. Chapter 14

Castiel couldn't quit jiggling his knee and, quite frankly, it was driving Sam insane.

"For the love of-" Sam cut himself off when Cas glared at him. "For Pete's sake, would you please calm down?"

"Something feels wrong," Castiel murmured.

Sam huffed and pulled out his laptop to keep himself busy. "Yeah? Your sixth sense going crazy?"

"It just feels off. Also, Kyle should be here by now."

"Unless Dean killed him," Sam said, rolling his eyes.

That's one of many things Sam liked about having Cas around. He could gossip and complain about Dean to someone who understood it all. He never really said it aloud, but Cas was his best friend.

Cas grimaced. "Are you ever going to tell me why Dean hates Kyle so much?"

Sam paused in his typing for a moment. "What makes you think I know?"

Cas raised one eyebrow at him. "Because if you didn't, you would have already asked me if I did."

Sam shrugged and resumed typing. "That's a fair assessment."

"So...?"

"Not telling."

Castiel sighed. "I figured as much." Cas went back to jiggling his leg and glancing around the bar anxiously. "Dean wouldn't actually kill him, would he?"

"Doubt it. Unless he had good reason."

"Kyle is not a monster. I would have noticed."

Sam was quiet for all of two minutes before he slammed his laptop closed and none-too-gently shoved Cas in the leg. "Quit. I'll call Dean if it will make you stop your damn twitching."

Before he even got an affirmative from Cas, Sam was hitting the speed dial he knew well.

It rang through and went to voicemail.

Sam hung up and tried not to meet Cas's eyes before calling Dean's other phone.

Same result.

He tried Dean's OTHER other phone before finally looking up at Castiel's worry-filled eyes.

"Call Kyle."

Cas pulled out his phone and did as instructed, only to meet the same ends.

The two men looked at each other for a moment.

"We make no assumptions," Sam warned Castiel, who was looking somewhere between worried and pissed.

"We find them. Now."

Sam and Cas rushed out of the bar to the parking lot, headed towards Baby. Castiel glanced around and his eyes landed on a running car with no one in it.

"Sam." Cas nodded his head to the car and they both ran in that direction.

After a little inspection, Sam relayed, "It's hotwired."

Cas sighed. "I recognize it from the motel. Dean?"

"Probably. It looked pretty professional."

Cas glanced at the surrounding cars before stalling, his voice low. "Sam?" Cas asked dangerously quiet.

"Uh, yeah?"

"What would a '66 Mustang look like?"

Sam furrowed his brow. "Like that car."

Castiel growled and for one brief second Sam feared for his life. "That's Kyle's car."

"And Dean was parked... right... beside it."

"And they're both gone."

"Woah woah woah. Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? As much of a douche as Dean has been acting, he's a good guy. And he sure as hell wouldn't leave a car running like this."

Castiel clenched his jaw before sighing in defeat. "You're right. It would, however, be less worrisome if Dean HAD kidnapped Kyle."

"What? Why?"

"Because this means something got the drop on Dean Winchester. And that's never a good sign."


	15. Chapter 15

Dean woke up while the car was still bouncing down a gravel road.

He knew the drill. Don't let them know you're awake until you know your situation. He carefully flexed his muscles, determining that he was tied wrist and ankle. They hadn't bothered to blindfold him, but why would you blindfold someone who wasn't awake?

One large bump jostled him enough to realize he wasn't lying alone in the back seat.

Fuck.

Kyle.

He peered out through his eyelashes and saw Kyle lying with a huge bruise on his head, blood congealing on his cheek.

Congealing, okay. That means it had been about... thirty minutes, assuming Kyle didn't take blood thinners. He'd ask later.

He risked a glance out the window and saw fields and a billboard that read, "WHERE WILL YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE?"

Dean resisted the urge to shiver.

There were two men in the car that Dean had never seen before. Or at least, he didn't think so. It was hard to tell based on the backs of their heads.

The car began to slow down and Dean saw a barn briefly before closing his eyes and pretending to still be knocked out.

God, his head hurt.

The car parked and the men got out, only to open the back doors and drag the two men onto the ground. They didn't even bother picking them up. Dean was dragged by his arms across the gravel, and it took all his will power not to react. He was bleeding bad, he knew it. But at least he was used to this sort of thing. When Kyle woke up...

Well, damn. Dean kind of hoped he slept through everything.

They were taken into the barn and tied to two separate chairs before the men finally doused Dean with a bucket of ice cold water.

He didn't have to fake the gasp and the sputtering.

He looked up to finally get a clear view of his captors. They were two men, both with bloodshot eyes and toothy grins.

Real toothy.

Dean knocked his head back and groaned.

Vampires.

"Who's your friend?" One of them asked. Dean looked him over.

"Who are you, exactly?" Dean retorted.

"I'm James. This is Judas."

"Real creative names, really. What did you use, Bible for Dummies?"

Dean was punched in the face. Hard. He spit out blood and vaguely registered the men laughing.

"Do you know why you're here, Dean?" Judas asked, walking over to straddle him in his chair.

"Hopefully not to have your freak babies."

Judas growled at him, showing off his fangs. "Revenge."

"Lemme guess. I killed your puppy."

James grabbed his hair and yanked his head back, leaving his throat exposed. "You killed our entire clan."

Dean tried to move his head unsuccessfully. He flinched when Judas ran a tongue over his pulse points. "We've been planning this for a long time. Even enlisted some other monsters who all wanted you dead."

Dean steeled himself. "Like the shapeshifter?"

"Maybe." James shrugged, then leaned down to whisper in Dean's ear. "We killed them all."

"You... You killed the things that were helping you?"

"Yes," Judas hissed, scraping his teeth down Dean's neck. Dean struggled against his bonds.

"You see," James said, leaning down to nip at the other side of Dean's neck, drawing a bead of blood, "We don't want you dead."

Dean tried to shove down the cloying panic of having two vampires teasing his throat while he could do nothing. "Even if you turned me, I'd still kill you all. I'd Buffy your asses."

One of them - Dean had lost track - bit hard on his neck, causing Dean to flinch as he felt a raspy tongue lapping up his blood.

"Why the fuck would we want you to be one of us?"

The mouths on his neck left and the hand gripping his hair relaxed, allowing Dean to lean his head down and hiss at the pain. "What-" Dean gasped, failing at hiding his terror now, "What do you want, then?"

He heard a soft sound like metal on metal, and looked up to see Judas holding a knife.

THE knife.

Aphrodite's Knife.

Only...

Did it always have two blades?

"See something you like? See, we want you to suffer. And when we heard of this, we knew it was almost perfect. Except-"

"-anyone with eyes knows your lover is an angel." James's eyes sparkled with malice. "Which means he's impossible to kill. But, hurt? We can hurt him."

"But," Judas crowded in, "you wouldn't break just because your angel was in pain that he could heal. So we added a normal knife blade."

"Well, almost normal."

"It creates wounds that don't heal."

"And we figure, after you bleed out enough, we'll have done enough damage to your angel that he just may keel over."

"Or leave his vessel."

"Whatever."

Judas leaned in and swiped the blade across Dean's chest, earning a hiss.

"See," James began, circling Dean. "You come back from the dead almost constantly. So we don't want to kill you." He suddenly grabbed Dean's face, forcing his head to the side, inches from his own face.

"We want you to kill yourself."


	16. Chapter 16

Dean was bleeding out.

He knew that for sure.

They'd been going at this for hours and, true to their word, the wounds never began healing. Some were shallow, some deep, but none deadly. Just painful as crap and leaving him dizzy, soaked in his own blood.

And to make matters worse, Kyle was awake.

Dean had to hand it to the guy. He figured out real quick that these weren't your average kidnappers. He remained utterly quiet, eyes wide, and Dean occasionally offered him a reassuring smile between stabs.

Judas wiped sweat off his face, smearing blood on it as well. "Well, brother, what do you think?"

James tilted his head to either side, cracking his neck. "Almost done for today. Just one last thing." Without warning, James punched Dean dead in the stomach, forcing him to throw up.

Dean grimaced and coughed a few times, trying to ignore the alarming amount of blood that had come up. He was untied and taken to a trap door, where he was thrown down mercilessly, Kyle next.

Judas waved the knife around. "In case you decide to make this easy on Castiel." He tossed the knife down as well before closing the trap door and locking it.

Dean sucked in air, flexing his aching wrists and trying to ignore the pain he felt everywhere. The room was small, mostly concrete though some hay had snaked its way onto the floor. Some sort of storm shelter.

"Dean?" he heard a small voice say. Dean turned his head to look at Kyle, who had his knees pulled up to his chest, looking absolutely terrified.

Dean sighed and then winced. "Vampires."

"So you... You're not FBI, huh." It wasn't a question.

"Afraid not. I hunt things like this. Usually." Dean tried to sit up, groaned, and fell back onto his back.

Kyle uncurled himself a little, crawling towards Dean. "Hey, take it easy. You're losing a lot of blood."

Dean half-laughed. "Yeah, the vamps said they wouldn't kill me but I don't think they remember how fragile humans are."

Kyle was quiet and, for a moment, Dean thought he had passed out, before he felt soft fabric on his face. "Stay still," Kyle said quietly, gently cleaning up as much of Dean as he could.

Dean closed his eyes, exhaustion overtaking him. "Okay."

There was a brief silence. "You're in love with Castiel, aren't you?" Another not-question.

Dean met Kyle's gaze. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you ever tell him?"

Dean could give some bullshit answer. He knew that. But he also knew the root reason. "Mikey Wahlburg."

Kyle waited patiently for Dean to continue, tearing off a new scrap of shirt to resume cleaning.

"When... When I was about sixteen, my dad and I were on a hunting trip in Georgia. It took a while, and so Sam and I had to attend the local school. I met a dude named Mikey Wahlburg."

Dean hesitated, so Kyle offered, "And you two started dating?"

"Yeah, kinda. We never told anyone."

"So what happened? Sorry," Kyle winced in sympathy when Dean hissed as he cleaned a particularly deep cut.

"We were... We were getting hot and heavy in the back of Baby and... and my dad found us."

Kyle's hand stalled. "That's not good."

"No that's... That's bad. He, uh, he made his stance on homosexuality very clear. With his words. And fists. Said he had to 'beat it out of me' or something."

Kyle let out a shaky breath. "Dean, that's-"

"He was an ex-Marine, too, and he didn't take it easy on me. It was a few days before I could walk without falling over."

Dean felt a soft kiss on his forehead. "I'm so sorry that happened, Dean. You didn't deserve that."

Dean closed his eyes, too tired to feel anything but comforted by this man. "It took so long to get that lesson out of my head. And when I finally almost did, I turn around and there you are, whisking away with my angel."

Kyle winced. "I'm sorry for my timing."

"It's okay. Cas deserves to be happy, even if it's not with me." Dean paused. "I love him."

Kyle ran his hand through Dean's hair in an attempt to comfort him. Dean relaxed into the touch before jerking upright.

"Holy fucking shit I love him."

Dean scrambled over to the knife on all fours, too weak to walk. "This... This piece of shit makes the wounds appear on the person you're in love with. I can-"

"-get a message through," Kyle finished, eyes widening.

Dean took a deep breath. Fuck, Castiel knows what this knife does. How it works. This isn't how he wanted it to go, his confession of love.

Dean pushed out the thoughts of how he had intended to tell Cas. In the kitchen, making burgers, kissing the small smile Cas would throw back at him.

Not here, alone.

Well, not alone.

Kyle was here.

Dean grabbed the extra blade on the knife and tore it off, leaving a long, deep cut on his hand. Gripping just Aphrodite's Knife, he carved an invisible confession into his palm.

30MINS.  
GRAVEL ROAD.  
BARN BASEMENT.  
VAMPS.  
WHERE WILL YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE? BOARD

Dean dropped the knife and sighed. Cas would be here soon. He'd rescue them.

Dean took one glance at Kyle and finally blacked out.


	17. Chapter 17

It had taken Sam and Cas all of thirty minutes to get the security footage. They watched it closely, and it turned out these monsters were the ones they hated the most.

Smart ones.

There were no eye flashes, no unnaturally quick movements, nothing. Just two men sneaking up behind Dean and Kyle and hitting them both across the head with baseball bats before dragging them into an unmarked car and driving off.

Castiel cursed and stormed from the room, Sam following. They drove back to the motel in tense silence.

"Whoever did this is going to pay," Castiel hissed once they were inside.

"I agree, Cas, but we don't have any leads. How are we going to find them?"

Cas plopped into a chair and dropped his head onto the table. "I don't know," he groaned. "I can't feel either of them. Wherever they are must be warded."

Sam ran a hand through his own hair. "Could you like, try and fly into a lot of buildings and just see which one you can't?"

Cas was gone by the time Sam turned to look at him.

He was back within a few minutes, with a look fit to smite God himself. "They warded nearly fifty buildings."

"We... Damnit! We don't have time to search FIFTY buildings!"

"I know that!" Castiel yelled, a few lightbulbs shattering. He flinched at the sound, then sighed. "I'm sorry."

Sam laid a hand on his shoulder, smiling reassuringly. "It's okay. We'll find him." Sam paused for a moment. "Hey this... This might be a stupid question but, can you summon humans?"

Cas looked at him, eyebrows knit together in confusion. "I... I honestly don't know. I don't see any reason why not."

"Well... Let's start there."

They researched for hours, Cas getting more and more desperate by the minute before he finally dropped his hands to the table and studied his own palms.

"I wish we knew where they were," he whispered.

"Me, too," Sam replied quietly.

Cas took one last look at his hands before sighing and getting back to work.

~~~

Dean woke up in a cold sweat, the entire room spinning. "How long?" he asked, weakly.

"I think about two hours."

Dean tried to sit up, saw stars, and laid back down. "S-something's wrong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry
> 
> Also thanks for all your super sweet comments! They really make my day!!!


	18. Chapter 18

Kyle put a hand on Dean's chest, keeping him laying down. He had piled all the straw around him when it became apparent that Dean was shivering violently in his sleep.

It was all stained red now.

He had sat beside him the entire time Dean was out, keeping careful tabs on his breathing and heart rate, wiping away the cool sweat from his forehead. That wound was the only one that was healing.

"Where..." Dean trailed off for a moment before opening his eyes and looking around wildly. "Where am I?"

"Storm shelter. Vampires," Kyle reminded him gently, making a mental tally mark. Third. This was the third time Dean forgot where he was.

Realization hit his eyes. "Cas should be here..."

"He's not."

Dean's gaze landed on Aphrodite's Knife. "It didn't work."

"Afraid not." It was difficult to tell in the low lighting, but Dean seemed unnaturally pale.

"Why didn't it work?"

"I may know, but you won't like it."

Dean met Kyle's eyes. "He doesn't love me back." It wasn't a question.

Kyle winced. "It's the only explanation I could think of."

Dean nodded, then held still to stop the room from spinning. "Do you love him?"

Kyle was quiet a moment. "No," he finally said. "I don't know him well enough."

"Do you love someone else more?"

"I-... No. I'm an orphan, and I had a big falling out with my friends back in Jacksonville when they found out I was gay. I don't really have connections to anyone but Cas."

Dean reached out for the knife, hissing in pain as he did so. He shoved the handle into Kyle's hands, then closed his eyes in exhaustion from the simple movement. "T-t-try."

Kyle wished he knew how to stop the man's shivering.

"Okay. What do I say?"

"S-say... Say thirty minutes and... And barn... And fields... And..." Dean furrowed his brow in confusion. "Where will you go when you die?"

Kyle carved all of that into his palm, sort of weirded out by how, though the knife dug into his skin, it didn't leave a mark. He added the word "vampires" to the end. It seemed to be a pretty important detail. He considered it a moment, then added one more line.

'Dean's dying.'

He laid the knife down and looked over at Dean, whose head was falling to the side. "Oh no no no, Dean, you have to stay awake. Talk to me."

"Bout what?" Dean mumbled, eyes falling closed.

"Um... Talk... Talk about Cas."

Dean smiled a little. "He's my angel," was all Dean managed to say before they heard screams and saw a bright, white light.


	19. Chapter 19

Hours.

It had been hours and Sam would never forgive himself if this spell didn't work.

They had only found one record, way deep in the internet. It required a lot of obscure objects that Castiel would disappear and reappear with a moment later, determination set in his jaw.

Sam definitely didn't have a thing for Cas, but he understood why Dean did.

They had the ingredients prepared, the last thing needed was a sigil drawn in blood. Castiel had taken the knife without asking Sam, and pressed it gently to his own palm.

He dropped it like it was fire.

"Cas?" Sam asked, confused.

Castiel was holding his wrist, staring at his palm, from all Sam could see. Then blood began dripping.

"Cas? What's wrong?"

Cas met Sam's eyes and turned his palm towards him, where Sam could slowly see words forming.

"Thirty minutes?" Sam read aloud. "What does that- wait, there's another line." Sam held Cas's hand still as they both stared at the words.

30 MINUTES.  
BARN.  
FIELDS.  
WHERE WILL YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE?

Sam and Cas glanced at each other. "What does the last line mean?" Cas asked.

"It... It sounds like one of those religious billboards people put up."

Cas hissed, and they both jerked their heads down to read:

VAMPIRES.

"Oh my God," Sam breathed, ignoring Cas's glare. "The knife."

Castiel felt his world swim a little. "You... You think this is Dean?"

If Dean could use Aphrodite's Knife to mark on Castiel, that would mean...

"Do you think Dean loves me?" Castiel whispered.

"I-" Sam began, only to be cut off by one final line.

Both of them stopped breathing.

DEAN'S DYING.

It was written out small, worried. This wasn't Dean. This was Kyle.

It was almost funny, Sam would think later when he looked back on it, how quickly Castiel's face went rigid, eyes shining blue and jaw set tight. He laid one hand on Sam's shoulder and suddenly they were both outside the barn, engulfed in darkness. Cas walked- no, walked wasn't the right word. Cas stalked to the barn, feet hitting hard. He didn't care who knew he was there.

Sam jogged just to keep up as the doors to the barn were shattered into a million pieces.

Two men looked up suddenly from the game of cards they were playing.

Cas looked back at Sam over his shoulder, eyes glowing bright blue now. "Cover your eyes," he said in a million voices at once.

Sam put his hands over his eyes and heard screams and felt prickly heat wash over his skin. Even with his eyes covered, he could tell that the room became impossibly bright. Everything was suddenly quiet.

He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"It's alright," Castiel said softly. "It's me. You can open your eyes now."

Sam looked first at Castiel, and then at the pile of ash where once there were two vampires. All the dirt and hay from the floor had been moved to the sides of the barn. Sam had the mental image of Castiel, the Chrysler building giant, batting his wings once and the gale blowing everything away. "Where's Dean?" Sam asked.

Castiel glanced around, his eyes still leaving the occasional blue spark in the air around them. "Help me look."

Sam looked around the loft and horse stalls and found nothing. Finally, he yelled out, "DEAN!"

There was a small voice somewhere. "Sam? Is that you?"

"Kyle!" Cas yelled. "Where are you? Is Dean there?"

"It's... We're in a basement storm shelter thing. He's here. He's not... Oh God, please hurry."

They tried to place Kyle's voice. Finally, Sam growled in frustration and yelled out, "MARCO!"

Cas looked as if he was about to admonish Sam for straying off-topic before they heard a responding, "Polo!"

They kept this up, finally finding the entrance buried under a pile of hay.

Sam yanked at the locked trap door before Cas unceremoniously shoved him away. "Move." With one tug on the lock, the entire thing pulverized in his hand. He lifted it up and finally froze, the slight glow that Sam hadn't even realized was around him fading.

"Oh my... Dean..."


	20. Chapter 20

Later on, Dean would swear up and down that he wasn't as bad as they said he was. That he was still perfectly coherent and, if anything, only a LITTLE dizzy.

But severe blood loss makes people confused.

Castiel had fought wars. After all, he was a warrior. He understood death and violence. But this... This he didn't understand.

He had never seen so much blood.

Sam's face grew pale. It was like Dean was the cutting mat at an art studio. Like the two vampires had just laid giant pieces of paper on him and used a knife to cut them all to shreds.

Cas grabbed Sam's hand and jumped down, pulling him down, too.

Kyle had Dean's upper body in his lap, arms cradling his head. He looked at Castiel with panic etched into his face. "His heart rate has been steadily dropping," Kyle whispered.

Castiel dropped to his knees beside the two, Sam doing the same on the other side. Sam gently brushed his brother's red bangs off his smeared forehead. "Cas?" Sam asked quietly.

Castiel nodded silently and put two fingers on Dean's forehead. Dean's eyes fluttered open. "Cas?" he asked quietly.

"It's okay, Dean. I'm here now."

Dean reached one arm up and held Cas's hand, dragging it down against his cheek, turning his head. "I'm sorry," Dean whispered, his lips against Cas's cut palm.

Kyle was the only one who heard the unspoken, 'for not loving you enough.'

Cas's sleeve was soaked red as Dean's head slowly began drifting to the side. His eyes began to glow, and this time it was silent. Desperate. Sam could feel the sadness radiating from him as he healed Dean's worst wounds first.

Kyle watched the shadow of burnt wings on the walls in awe.

Sam was the one to pull Castiel away when it became obvious how much this was draining him. Red gashes and lines still littered Dean's body but, this time, he'd live. Cas gasped in breaths, holding himself up on shaky arms.

"Cas, it's okay. Dean will be f-"

Cas touched Sam and laid his arm across Dean and Kyle, and suddenly they were standing in the motel room.

Cas was out before his head hit the pillow.


	21. Chapter 21

"So," Kyle began after Sam had handed him a beer. "Monsters."

Sam took a swig from his drink. "Yep. Monsters."

"How long..."

"Since I was born, basically, and since Dean was four." Sam paused. "A demon killed our mother."

Kyle frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that. Dean... implied... that your dad was pretty intense."

Sam laughed. "That's putting it lightly. He was a drill sergeant more than he was ever a dad. I got out when I could. College. He was super pissed. Kicked me out." Sam took another long pull on his bottle. "What else did Dean tell ya?"

"Well, I guess he told me Cas was an angel, but I didn't realize he meant that literally." He had decided to avoid the whole Mikey topic. Something told him Sam had never found out. "I figured he just had a crush on Cas or something." Kyle took a swig, examining Sam's reaction over his bottle.

Sam rolled his eyes. "That's the understatement of the century. Like, no offense, dude, but Dean's been head over heels for Cas for literal years. I don't know why he didn't try to use the knife himself earlier."

Kyle fidgeted, before finally deciding that he could trust Sam. "He did."

Sam paused, bottle halfway to his lips. "What?"

"He did... try. It didn't work."

Sam raised one eyebrow. "Not buying it. I have literally heard Dean tell Cas he loved him while Cas was sleeping. The knife would've worked."

Kyle sighed. "That's what the vampires thought, too. They like, welded another blade onto the knife and used it to torture Dean. They said it made wounds that wouldn't heal. And they figured that eventually Cas wouldn't be able to heal himself and he'd die."

Sam winced in sympathy. "Yeah, monsters are absolute dicks."

"No, no. I like dicks. I don't like monsters."

Sam paused for a moment before he burst out laughing, doubling over with tears streaming out his eyes. "Oh, oh fuck," he said through laughs, wiping tears away. "That was fucking great, dude."

Kyle couldn't help the self-satisfied grin that was on his face. "Thanks, I try. Really, though, those dudes were assholes."

"Yeah, I thought they were smart when we saw the security footage but then they just... leave you two with the weapon? That's the ultimate worst move. Ever."

Kyle downed the last of his beer. "Well, the way Dean explained it between consciousness was that he apparently comes back from the dead all the time, so they were hoping he'd feel bad enough about torturing Cas that he'd just kill himself instead."

Sam looked at his own bottle before getting up. "So whiskey, then, is what you're saying."

"Basically."

Sam came back with two shot glasses and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. "So," he started, pouring two shots, "they tortured Dean with Aphrodite's Knife. And I can vouch that Cas didn't shed a drop of blood until you sent a message. How does that work?"

Kyle held his glass gingerly. "Our explanation was that it only works if both people are in love." He took his shot.

Sam waved his hand. "Nah. Cas is in love with Dean, too."

"Yeah, I saw the way he looked at him down there. I don't know what to think anymore."

Sam shrugged, downing his shot and pouring them two more.

"Maybe," Kyle began, "Maybe they're not in love. Either of them."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "How do you figure?"

"Maybe it's just... wanting what they think they can't have. And they've been feeling that curiosity for so long that it's began masquerading as love."

"Oh, wow. Fuck. That's... harsh. But I see what you mean. I don't think it's true, though. But you. You love Cas, right?"

"Um, no. No, I don't."

Sam looked at him curiously. "But... The message..."

Kyle shrugged before downing his second shot. "Cas is the only person I have connections with. So he's the only person the knife could've picked."

Sam growled in frustration. "Believe me, Cas is the only person Dean has feelings for. So even if it WAS - which it's not - just curiosity - which it's not - then the knife would still have picked Cas. And I don't get it."

"Has anyone you know died in the past hour or two?"

Sam frowned and checked his phone. "Nah. Bobby would've said something." He took his second shot and put the whiskey away. "I don't want us clobbered when they wake up."

"Agreed." Kyle sighed. "I'm leaving, when I know they're okay."

"It's probably for the best."

"So now I just... go back to work, knowing that these things exist. That I could be hunted down and killed by some mythical creature any day."

"The odds are pretty slim, actually." Sam sighed. "But um, if you want, Cas could probably erase that memory for you."

Kyle shook his head. "No. As much as I don't want to know, I also don't want to not know. I'm in this now. I feel better prepared."

Sam nodded. "And if you ever need us, you have Cas's number. We'll take care of you."

"Thank you. For everything."

"It's what we do."

"Do me a favor and make sure those two idiots wind up together?"

Sam laughed. "Believe me, I've been trying for years. They're just extremely hard-headed."

As if on cue, Dean groaned and rubbed his face. "Where the fuck am I."

"Speak of the devil."


	22. Chapter 22

Dean sat up, holding his head. Ugh, everything hurt. "Did ya gank em?" he asked.

Sam shook his head, amused. "Castiel fucking distentigrated them."

Dean blinked in surprise and looked over at the curled up, sleeping angel. "Must've drained him a lot if he's sleeping."

Kyle ventured to say, "He healed you. I think that's what knocked him out. You were pretty bad, man."

As if hit by a memory, Dean jerked and yanked the covers down to stare at his tattered and bloodstained clothes. "Woah, damn. I don't look like a cutting board anymore."

"Thankfully," Sam said before offering Dean a beer. Dean winced as he got up and plopped in a chair between him and Kyle.

"Thanks," Dean said before downing the whole thing. "Holy fuck I need food."

Sam got up and went to fix something as Kyle handed him another beer.

"What all do you remember?" Kyle asked.

Dean frowned. "Most of it, I think. It's kinda gross, but I had a dream that like... my skin was hanging off my body like streamers."

Kyle grimaced. "Not a dream."

"No man. No way I was THAT fucked up."

Kyle gave him a pointed look, to which Dean responded, "Damn." He downed the second beer before shrugging. "Eh, I've been worse."

Kyle just about choked. "What? When?!"

"I may or may not have been to Hell."

Kyle paled. "I'm gonna start going to church I think."

Dean waved his hand. "Don't bother. Just don't be a dick."

"That I can do."

Dean glanced around before his eyes landed on Castiel. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. Just sleeping til next Thursday."

Dean's smile tugged at his lips. "He's the angel of Thursday." He turned back to Kyle. "Dude. An angel has the hots for you. That's pretty epic."

Kyle laughed. "I think I'll settle for a nice, normal, 6'5" guy."

Dean's smirk was downright evil. "Want Sammy?"

There was an indignant, "Dean!" from the kitchen.

Dean and Kyle both laughed.

"Ah, too bad. You know he's got a crush on Cas's brother," Dean said.

A very muffled, "Which one?" emanated from Cas, his face still smushed into a pillow.

Dean was beside him in a moment. "Hey man. You okay?"

Cas huffed and turned over, gazing up at Dean. "You're up and walking. So, I'm okay."

Dean smiled at him, and Cas felt that familiar burn in his heart. "Where's Kyle?" he asked.

Kyle walked over to stand beside Dean. "Heya, Cas."

"Hey. Oh, I'm sorry," Cas said, holding out his hand and healing the dark bruise on Kyle's forehead.

"Oh, wow, that's... That's so much better. Thank you."

Cas made some sort of affirmative noise, running his hand over his face and stopping to stare at his worded palm. "Should we talk about this?"

Kyle winced. "Um, not really. I won't pretend I'm in love with you. I'm not. You know how things are with my previous friends so... You're just the one I'm closest to."

Cas nodded. "Ah, good. I was worried I'd have to admit I too was not in love." He looked around. "Where's the knife?"

Kyle fished it out of a drawer. "Right here. I put it somewhere at least a little hidden."

"Thank you." Castiel sat up, blinking hard. "You... You don't have to stay, Kyle. We appreciate all you've done but I'm sure you want to run away from all of this."

Kyle smiled a little. "That easy to read?"

Cas smiled a little back at him. "I've been told I'm good at reading people. Thank you for everything. And if you ever need us-"

"Give you a call. Sam already told me."

Sam yelled from the kitchen, "We already drove Baby and Honey back here so you're good to go."

Kyle nodded his thanks. "Well... Goodbye, Castiel. It was a pleasure." Kyle took Cas's hand and kissed it, then turned to Dean. "You, too, Dean." He pulled Dean into a hug and kissed his forehead. "See ya, Sammy!"

Sam fake-groaned from the kitchen. "It's Sam. See ya, too, Kyle."

And with one backward glance, foot in the door, he was gone.

Dean looked around and sighed. "I'm gonna go shower."


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a big THANK YOU for over 1000 hits! You guys are awesome!

Dean turned on the shower and hissed in pain as the hot water hit him. He held his head in his hands and shook quietly, trying not to make a single sound to alert the two men in the other room.

Because Dean was breaking.

Memories washed over him, reminding him just how terrified he was that Castiel was dying alongside him. The bittersweet reality that none of it hurt him.

He closed his eyes to images of evil grins and ribbons of flesh.

"Dean," a soft voice said outside the shower curtain.

Dean took a few deep breaths to steel himself. "Cas?"

The curtain moved gently and now Castiel stood in the shower, fully clothed, staring at Dean with agony in his eyes. He held out his arms and Dean crashed into them, holding on for dear life.

Arms wrapped around him and he buried his head in the proffered shoulder. "I thought you were dead," Dean whispered.

"Sam told me what happened," Castiel whispered back.

Dean pulled back a little to stare into eyes deeper than the sky before rushing forward to meet lips with his own. This was not the first time they had kissed, but this one felt like the one that mattered.

At least, until Dean pulled back and saw the absolute shock in Castiel's eyes.

"What... What was that for?" Castiel asked quietly.

Dean had forgotten. Castiel... didn't remember.

"I-... I'm sorry, I guess I'm just still a little... confused..." Dean mumbled, looking anywhere but Cas's eyes.

Gentle fingers lifted his chin up. Cas gave him a small smile. "It's okay," he whispered. "I don't mind."

With a shuddering breath, Dean gave in, leaning in and gently ghosting his lips over Cas's. This was all he wanted. He could give himself this moment.

Castiel tasted like a bloodied field the day after a war, sunshine warming discarded weapons. Like light and fire. Warmth and destruction. Honey and moonshine.

Dean laid a hand on Cas's hip and the other behind his neck, holding him close because God, he couldn't let this man go again.

When Cas's tongue swiped against his lips, gently asking for entry, Dean granted it without hesitation. He just wanted to be lost in Castiel.

He gently drew the hand on the back of Cas's neck down, feeling hard muscle under rough, wet fabric. He spread his hand on Cas's upper back, and Cas emitted a small whimper. Dean pulled back immediately. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay, it's just... My wings are extremely sensitive."

Dean gently rested his hand once more between Cas's shoulder blades. "Is this okay?"

Cas answered by way of a sweet, long kiss. "Yes."

They kissed slowly, exploring the other with no intentions other than to learn. To feel. Every time Cas's fingers would ghost over a scar, it would heal, slowly knitting broken skin back together. They kissed until the water ran cold, and then for a bit after, until Dean began to shiver.

Cas pulled back slowly, not really wanting to. "Come. Let's get you warmed up."

Cas shut off the water and took Dean's hand, leading him out of the shower. Dean stood still and let Castiel dry him with a towel, absorbing the feeling of just being cared for by someone who had no reason to care for him.

"Dean," Castiel began carefully. "You tried to send me a message, right? And you fully expected it to get through?"

"Yes," Dean said softly.

"Does that mean that you love me?"

Dean glanced away. "It didn't work, did it?"

"You wouldn't have tried if you didn't."

Dean decided to copy Kyle. "You're just who I'm closest to."

Castiel nodded. "So no, then."

Dean was quiet. "Do you love me?" It came out as a whisper.

There was no answer.

He looked up to see that Castiel had already left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left btw!


	24. Chapter 24

It took a few days to finally find a way to destroy the cursed knife. It was basically a spell that removed all magical properties from something, leaving just a normal object at the end.

Castiel avoided Dean by finding the more obscure ingredients as Dean cursed himself for kissing him in the first place. He just wanted his Cas back.

Sam, for his part, didn't say anything. He didn't know exactly what happened, but, when your best friend walks into the bathroom where your brother is showering and neither leave for a while, you get a pretty good idea.

He was still pondering the intricacies of the knife and why it hadn't worked as planned, but, at this point, he just had to give up. There wasn't a good explanation. It was just something that had happened, plain and simple.

They were finally back at the Bunker, though, which relieved some of the tension. Dean was laying down on the large table, sprawled out as he napped. Sam rolled his eyes and dumped the last of the ingredients at one end of the table. Castiel walked in and laid one last item in the pile.

"Thanks, Cas," Sam said, examining their hoarde.

Castiel nodded. "Let us destroy this abomination." He walked over and began arranging items. "Shall we wake your brother up?"

"Probably. You have the knife?"

Castiel barely looked up as he pulled it from his pocket to show Sam before sticking it in the table, a little ways above Dean.

Dean jerked awake. "What's going on?" He tried and failed to sit up. "What the hell? I'm... I'm stuck!"

Sam turned a curious eye to him before he saw Castiel's face. "Cas are you... Are you okay?"

With a strangled sound, Castiel crumpled to the floor, all the lights in the Bunker simultaneously shattering.

"Cas!" Dean yelled, trying and failing to dive after him. "DAMMIT! I CAN'T MOVE! SAM! HELP HIM!!!"

Sam ran over to Cas, trying to help him up. "Cas, what's-"

He was interrupted by a million screams emitting from Castiel's mouth at once. He covered his ears and fell back.

Things were shattering all over the place as Cas writhed on the floor. Dean covered his ears and turned quickly to the side, hoping to dislodge whatever nail was holding him. There was a loud pop, then silence.

Dean uncovered his ears and looked up to see Castiel with glowing blue eyes holding the knife, staring him down with a look fit to kill Satan himself.

"You lied to me," Castiel said in a million voices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter guys!!!


	25. Chapter 25

Never let it be said that Dean Winchester has never been terrified of Cas.

Because he was.

So very terrified.

Castiel grabbed his shirt and dragged him off the table, slamming him into a wall. Those glowing blue eyes were glaring at him full intensity, and Dean wanted nothing more than to hide somewhere.

"Cas, what... What's going on?" Dean squeaked and denied that he squeaked to his dying days.

"You tell me," Castiel gritted out through his teeth. "You're the one who told me the knife doesn't work on you."

"It doesn't!" Dean sputtered, hands raised in surrender.

Castiel lifted him up, forcing Dean to hold onto his arm as their noses touched. There wasn't anything soft about it, this time. "Then pray tell me why I just had a CURSED KNIFE SLICE THROUGH MY SUPRACORACOIDEUS TENDON!"

Dean paled. "You're... I don't... What?"

Castiel pushed him back against the wall, one lip curled into a snarl. "My fucking wing tendons."

Sam paled at hearing Castiel curse. "Hey man, maybe you should take it-"

Castiel whipped his head around to glare at Sam with his ethereal eyes. Dean gazed pleadingly at Sam. He took a deep breath and held up his hands. "Castiel. I trust you not to really hurt him."

And Sam walked out.

Dean's jaw slacked open and Cas turned to stare back at him.

"Dude, I swear! I tried to use it and it didn't work!!"

Cas must've seen something in Dean's eyes, because he narrowed his own and sliced across Dean's cheek with the knife.

Nothing happened.

Cas reached out one hand and made a quick flick of his wrist out to the side of Dean, and, as if on cue, a large, black feather floated down from God-knows-where.

He furrowed his brow and let Dean down, eyes losing their shine. "That doesn't make sense..." Cas murmured.

Dean, however, wasn't listening. His full attention was on the feather now on the floor. He bent over to pick it up as Cas paced, tilting it so it caught all the colors in the light. It was as long as his arm and wider than his leg. This, this he was holding in his hand, was Castiel's. Not his vessel's. Actually Castiel's.

And suddenly, everything clicked.

Cas growled. "What? Do you only love my wings? You've never even truly seen them!"

And Dean wasn't good with words. He never was. He just stared at Castiel, feather in hand.

"Aren't you going to say anything?!"

Dean walked slowly over to Cas, gulping loudly as he laid a hand on his chest. "Jimmy." He held out the feather. "You."

Cas tilted his head to the side. "I don't understand."

Dean thought of elder gods, of old fables and mythology, gods of sea and sky and love. Giant, immortal beings, like the Cyclops, who could only be hurt where it would hurt the most. "Polyphemus."

"Did... Did you just call me a cyclops?"

Dean shook his head. "Polyphemus, Cas. His eye. Your wings... Your wings are sensitive."

Cas looked at Dean warily. "What are you trying to say?"

"The... The Chrysler building wouldn't feel a chip in its walls. You're.... Cas, you're gigantic and I'm little. I think... I think I've been hurting you all along."

Castiel's eyes widened. "I'm just... too big to notice."

They stood in absolute silence for a moment.

"Dean," Castiel whispered, "you love me. Me. Not my vessel but... Me."

Dean nodded his head. "More than anything," he whispered back.

There was a rush of lips and a flurry of limbs, and this kiss was the one to change history.

"I love you, too, Dean Winchester."

~~~

Sam smiled from his hiding spot and headed back to his room, dialing a new number on his phone.

"Hey, Kyle. Consider that favor done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah guys! This was a crazy fun and wild ride. Thank y'all so much for reading and kudo-ing and commenting and just everything! Your support means worlds to me!!!


	26. Epilogue

"Kilgore Trout is an awful character."

Dean chuckled to himself. "Mm, he's not. He's just human."

"Why do you like this book so much again?"

Dean shrugged, sinking lower into the tub and gently prodding Cas with his foot. "I always have a hard-on for Vonnegut." He heard Cas huff, and removed the cucumber slice from his eye to look at him. "Aw. Is baby upset?"

Cas scowled at him. "I'm sure the Impala is fine, Dean."

Dean took a bite of the cucumber slice and Cas's lips quirked up. "Dean, don't eat the self-care items."

"Cas, don't drop my book in the tub." Cas hastily removed the book from where it had dipped into the water. Dean started on the other slice. "Besides, if you're gonna make me do this once a month, I better get some food out of the deal."

Cas's bottom lip poked out and Dean couldn't look away. "I thought I was eye-candy, Dean?"

"Can't see you through all these bubbles, hon."

Truth be told, Dean secretly loved these afternoons, where he and Cas would sit in the tub, one on either end, and relax together. Castiel had taken up reading Dean's favorite books, which Dean found incredibly flattering. He would never mention how cute it was, too, when Castiel made them face masks out of honey he had collected. It took Dean almost a year to finally accept the fact that he could do shit like this and still be a man, but now it was his favorite thing to do.

Besides Cas, of course.

Dean cleared his throat and laid back again, arms hanging lazily over the sides. "Kilgore Trout is honestly one of the best characters. You've just got to give him time." He felt Castiel lay two more slices on his eyes and grinned. "Honestly, he reminds me of Chuck."

"He reminds me of Metatron."

Dean shrugged. "To each his own, man."

The door to the bathroom opened, causing Dean to remove one cucumber slice and raise his eyebrow at the intruder.

Sam, with earbuds in and completely oblivious, was brushing his teeth.

"Sam!" Dean yelled. No response. "Sam!"

THWAP!

Sam rubbed the back of his head, where a copy of _Breakfast Of Champions_ had recently collided. He turned around and stared, toothpaste sliding down his chin. "Sowwy," he gushed, quickly spitting and rinsing. "My bad, guys."

"Could you please return Dean's book to me?"

Sam coughed awkwardly, silently thanking Chuck that both men were covered in bubbles, and held the book out to Cas at arm's length.

"Have fun doing... whatever, guys," Sam said, looking at the ceiling.

"It's called relaxing and for the love of God Sammy get out," Dean said, with no real bite behind the words as he covered his eyes again and laced his fingers behind his head.

"Right, um... Right." Sam stumbled out the door, closing it softly behind him.

Both brothers smiled fondly on either side of the door.

As Castiel found his place in the book again, Dean asked, "So, that soap opera you've been obsessed with."

"Mhm," Cas said absently.

"Did Debbie ever tell Barbara about the affair or is she just a cheating hoe?"

"Cheating hoe."

Dean grinned at Castiel's voice. "That bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I've been so stoked to see all the response this fic has gotten! I felt like the ending was kind of sudden, so I created this little epilogue to fix it.
> 
> Hope y'all like it!
> 
> #EndToxicMasculinity2k18


End file.
